Fast forward to December 2018 when the pregnancy test for Jack was positive. I was nervous, because the thought of three kids terrified me. BUT, I was looking forward to another unmedicated, totally present birthing experience. Doug and I took the classes over again to refresh our determination and knowledge. We took the classes when I wasn’t as far along so I could practice the meditations and breathing techniques more in depth. I was prepared, I was excited, I was so so so looking forward to birthing Jack and feeling that teamwork and connection again. Which is why, when it didn’t go down this way, it was hard for me to feel ok. Even though everything, in the end, turned out ok.
My due date was September 5th. I went in for my 40 week apt and they had me sign up for a non-stress test the next morning on the 6th. This was normal for me, Dray and Avi both went way over their due dates. My “womb service” is either really great or my kids like to be in tight cramped spaces. Anyway, to my surprise the non-stress test did not go well and they sent me to the hospital for further monitoring. 4 hours later they were telling me I needed to break my water and get this baby here. Jack was having random heart decels and they weren’t sure why. He was recovering well from them, but they were worried he would be too exhausted from them to go through labor if I waited for labor to start naturally. But it was my choice. I could leave or stay, my choice. Talking it through with my mom, Doug’s mom, and Doug, it still very much felt like my choice. And that terrifies me. I decided to just move forward with breaking my water. Since this was definitely not in the plan I had for my birth, everything from this moment on didn’t feel real. It honestly kind of felt like an out of body experience. About 5 minutes after they broke my water, which was NOT pleasant and not easy, Jack’s heart rate plummeted. Alarms began to sound and people began to rush in. Everything was even blurrier from that point on for me. A nurse jumped on the bed and put her hand up me to find Jack’s head and get it off of his umbilical cord and there she stayed as they rolled me away to an operating room for the doctor to perform a crash c-section. A prolapsed cord delivery happens 1 in every 500 births (I googled it later). And it was happening to me. They immediately prepped me for a c-section with lightning speed. It was terrifying. I was hearing heart rate numbers being shouted out, I was handed something to drink that was supposed to do something (I couldn’t tell you what that was or what it was for, it was gross though), a catheter being put in fast, hurried and worried faces of nurses surrounding me and a doctor I’d never met yelling for them to get me in the OR and to hurry. I remember my mom kissing my head as they rolled me out. I remember I was freezing and shaking from adrenaline. As the nurses started to gag me so they could put a breathing tube in the second I fell asleep, I thought Jack was gone. He was going to die and it was my fault. I chose to break my water, it’s my fault. And I didn’t even know it was Jack. The gender was a surprise. I didn’t know who I was losing but I was sure I had lost them.
When I came out of it, I was crying and gasping for breath. The nurses told me to take deep breathes and that since I had a breathing tube in, my throat might hurt. I didn’t care about that, all I could think about was what happened to the baby. With a scratchy breath I asked if the baby had made it. They said “Oh! He is doing great.” I was first surprised it was a boy, I had been feeling like it was a girl. My relief was potent but my worry never left me. I carried it with me the next 4 days of recovery in the hospital. I carried it with me even though Jack was here and healthy. Up until a couple weeks ago I was still carrying worry from that delivery. Does he have cerebral palsy because his cord was compromised? Will that surface eventually? Are his stomach issues from the trauma? So many worrying thoughts and guilty feelings have been circulating through my head ever since that day.
My mind was stuck in worry for Jack and having a hard time getting back to normal. There were a lot of tears shed by me and sweet Jack. Later, I realized I was definitely dealing with some post-partum anxiety. He has reflux and tummy issues and I had been trying everything to help him. No dairy, no acidic foods, no sugar, goats milk, formula, etc. In one week, I had gone to a chiropractor, his pediatrician, and a lactation specialist to help me figure out why my breastmilk seems to be bugging Jack’s tummy and what I should do about it. I got conflicting advice from all three of those people and my head was spinning. Should I do formula? Goat’s milk? What’s wrong with my milk? Why does he seem to hurt when I feed him my milk? What was I doing wrong? In that same week, Doug was out of town and I was overwhelmed with the head spinning, complete lack of sleep, and my older kids testing their boundaries as kids do. This led to a complete breakdown. I told my kids to leave the house and find someone to play with before I did or said something to them I would regret. And then I sat there on the couch nursing Jack and sobbed. He was spitting up a lot more that day than usual and was especially bugged and couldn’t nap for longer than ten minutes without waking up uncomfortable and crying. So I sat there, wondering what I did to cause his pain and wondering if me nursing him even in that moment was good for him or not and cried and cried. Thankfully, my kids had ended up at my friend Tori’s house. She texted me to let me know they were there and could play. I informed her that I was in a bit of a break down and she insisted they stay for dinner too. *If you’re reading this Tori, thank you again for your help that night. It made all the difference. While they were gone my bishop and another ward friend were able to come to my house and give Jack and I a blessing. Because for some brain foggy (post-partum anxiety) reason I hadn’t thought of doing this until 2 months had gone by and I was falling apart. Even though it had been suggested to me numerous times, I had put it off.
Jack was happy and quiet through both blessings which in and of itself was a small miracle with how he had been feeling just an hour earlier. I on the other hand cried like a baby through the whole thing. It’s amazing to me how I am capable of forgetting how well blessings can calm my soul down. I have received many in my life, each time feeling peace after. How had I not gotten one sooner? Would have saved myself and all the people around me a lot less worry. Cause trust me, all I’d been able to think and talk about with my friends and family was Jack and his tummy issues. I’m sure I was an exhausting human to be around. But there it was. The peace I had been searching for. And I realized something. Those past two months, I had been trying to find peace, healing, and answers for Jack and me through everyone around me. When really, the one who knows Jack and me the very most and can lead me to exactly what we need is my heavenly parents. And I, as his mother, can figure out and have peace with my decisions with His help. Once this realization hit me, I was able to calm down quite a bit. I remembered that as a mother, I have the powers of heaven at my fingertips to help raise and nurture my children. I can trust myself with Heavenly Father’s help.
The day Jack was born I had to make decisions and they felt big and they felt heavy. I didn’t consult with my Heavenly Father that day. I’m not saying things would have been different if I had, but I’m sure I would have felt more peace, more confidence, and less anxiety and guilt about what all went down if I had.
But let’s talk about the good. Because SO much good came from this whole experience for me. First, I am so so so grateful for Sadie, the nurse who sprang into action and helped keep Jack breathing. To all of the nurses and to the doctor who rushed in and knew exactly what to do and how to do it quickly, I owe them everything! Without them, Jack would either not be here or be here with a lot of problems.
Second, the night Jack’s birth all went down our friend’s, the Elswood family, took our kids into their home for dinner and to stay the night with them without hesitation. And I, for not one second, had to worry about their well-being. Jayne, Jeremy, Cake, Parker, and Jessie (and Elder Elswood too of course) have always been and continue to be such amazing friends to our family and are so great with our kids. It was such a relief for me to know they were safe and having a blast with friends.
Third, I have the best loving friends and family!! The evening I came home from the hospital I was in A TON of pain. Like…how could they possibly be discharging me when I was feeling this kind of pain. I thought my kidney was failing or that something went wrong during surgery and they had left something they shouldn’t have in me. I was texting my friend Haley and she informed me that I just needed to poop and I’d feel better. Constipation people. It’s no joke. It was so bad. She rushed over to my house with milk of magnesia and a belly band to help me with recovery. In the meantime, my other friend Tori had run to Smith’s and was buying me a fleet enema. Everyone who knows me knows I don’t mind talking about poop but to spare y’all the dirty details I’ll just say that 20 or so minutes after drinking the Milk of Magnesia there was a bathroom break and I felt like I could run a marathon after. Seriously, I felt so good that I didn’t even need to take any of the proscribed pain meds I was sent home with. Before all of this was happening, my other friend Suzanna came by with a baby gift and a breast pump for me to KEEP because I had realized our Health Share “insurance” wasn’t going to be providing us with one. I had reached out asking friends if I could borrow one for a few nights and she GAVE me hers. It was a really nice one too. Incredibly generous of her!! I also had dinner brought to me and my family by another family in our ward. I was overwhelmed by all the love and support I felt that night.
Over the next few weeks of recovery, I received TONS of meals from family’s in my ward. My mom and Doug’s mom were there to help with meals and all three kids. My kids were whisked away to play and be entertained and helped with homework by friends and some of the young women I serve with. My husband was home for a week and took very good care of me. Carpools to and from school were taken care of by my friends as well. My mom stayed overnight when Doug left out of town to put Jack back to sleep after every feeding so I could sleep. And then when she went home, packages from Amazon would continually show up on my doorstep with anything I expressed a need for and gifts for my other two kiddos and Jack from her. I received countless texts, gifts, and encouragement from those around me. My sweet neighbor who does body and energy work was even helping me talk through the traumatic birthing experience so my mind could heal as well as my body.
The break down I had was imminent. I’m glad for it though. I didn’t want that birth experience for me and Jack. I was angry and devastated for a long time. BUT, the outcome I have finally come to realize through my Heavenly Father’s guidance, is that we cannot control everything that happens to us or our kids. And that is ok. I just need to do my best. I as a Mother to Dray, Avi, and Jack, I just need to do the best I can and stay close to my Heavenly Parents. If I do that, come what may, it will be ok. I had forgotten that. And since I am human, I am sure to forget it again. This was a huge reminder for me though. I was also reminded how blessed I am to have such incredible support from all my family and friends. So many people have done so many things for me and Jack. So many prayers and acts of service offered in our behalf. A million thank you’s to all of you who helped then and continue to help me now. The newborn phase is harder when you have two other kids to care for and are totally sleep deprived. Jack is still not sleeping great, but I am in a much better place and through the powers we receive from heaven as mothers, I manage to make it through each day on fumes. I have some of the greatest group of friends and family supporting, empathizing, sympathizing, serving, and being patient with my crazy kids currently. Dray and Avi have had to put up with a pretty tired and distracted mama lately. But they surprise me every day with immense thoughtfulness (sprinkled amongst the totally normal boundary testing assholery -probably brought on from the focus being turned to a baby and less on them).
Mine and Jack’s birth story was not like Dray’s or Avi’s, and that’s ok. Also, I recognize that countless other mom’s have gone through worse. I am super blessed with the outcome we got. Some may consider me to be a tad dramatic being so sensitive and upset about not getting to birth naturally again. But it was something I was passionate about, and it felt like a heavy loss. As my wise friend Janelle reminded me, I am allowed to grieve for the birth I had planned on and didn’t get.
Doug and I weren’t totally on the same page for Jack’s middle name going into the birth. But I always knew it would be Stark. Yes, it is after Tony Stark. Maybe that’s why his birth had to be a tad dramatic ;) But I love heroes. I love what they stand for. As Iron Man himself said, “Heroes are made by the paths they choose, not by the powers they are graced with.” It’s all about our choices. I love that heroes always choose for the betterment of all then for themselves. And that’s what I hope for Jack. That he can be a hero for people in his life. Make good choices little man. There’s great power when the choice to stay close to your Father in Heaven is a priority. And serving and loving others, no matter how different their path may be from yours, no matter what, is a great way to do that.
